It's about the Journey - not the Destination ....

I am thinking about things. I'm trying to get well. I'm trying to do the right thing. For myself. For the people I love. I met with Peter (my counselor) this morning and I'm just thinking of changing my time frame.

I'm wondering if - praying about - and considering postponing another move. Just until after the holidays. I would 'like' to be there to celebrate, but I'm also thinking I need as much 'help' as I can get. Right now - some of the reason for my stress - I have started receiving benefits. I need glasses. I need to have a pap-smear (it's been 8 years) If I  just need to get as much help as possible here, since I'm in the system?

I'm kind of 'typing' outloud and trying to make the best decision. Maybe I can figure out WHY I choose the men I do. Maybe I can be productive here and come home READY to make headway. Maybe I can leave on my own terms and not feel I have to 'run'. But instead WALK away. I NEED to do things differently. I need to BE different. And God knows I'm trying.

I was supposed to give myself 6 months to decide whether or not to go BACK to Hawaii. And at this moment that's not something I want to do - well. Not to LIVE there. But, I would like to have the opportunity to choose to go back and get the closure I desire. Like when I went back to the East Coast  this past July.

I'm trying to think clear. I'm trying to do the right thing. I'm praying. And seeking God's will. I'm tired of screwing up. I'm tired of thinking of myself. I need to find healing - I need to know WHY I continue to house this boiling anger and I NEED to know how to express myself without scaring people with the force of my passion.

I'm trying to find my way. I'm trying to do it as quickly as possible. I'm trying to do what God wants me to do next. I'm trying. And today? I just need to go the pace God reeds me to go until I get to the destination he desires. So I have to slow my thinking down. I have to believe that today is all there really is - and the future is just part of the journey.  And the bottom line is ...

I want to do the journey WELL.



Comments

J Spivey said…
Praise God!!!
J. Spivey said…
One other thing....stop trying to do it yourself. Give it all to God and let Him do it. And after you give it to God, don't pull it back and say, "I'm good; I've got it now." because you don't. You never will; none of us ever will. But God can and God will. Trust in Jesus. Love you.
Betriska said…
It's a 'walk' of faith. Not a "sit back and see what happens" faith.Fine line.

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