I discovered the Vardo today. Knew it when I saw it. Never knew it had another name besides. A gypsy wagon. And when I saw the Vardo and then found THIS - I was so excited I was afraid I'd lose the site - so I decided to blog it so I could record the day I KNEW it was a Vardo that I could build. A little at a time. Make me a home. A home ( makes me giggle with delight ) on WHEELS. *LOL* How perfect for me I thought! I need a home I could curve around so that when I sleep the sun and the moon would shine in my face - at any time of year - at any place I park her! How awesome is THAT!
Easy enough to say. "Do not be afraid ..." To write. To have some semblance of what is making you afraid. To stand in it's face and talk back. Refusing to believe what may possibly be a lie. Do not fear.
I have come to realize many fears in my life. Most have nothing to do with being in 'mortal danger', but none the less it is fear that paralyzes me and keeps me from moving ahead with what I know deep in my heart of hearts was meant for me to do.
Afraid of ridicule. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of offending. Of sounding stupid. Or selfish. Or self-centered. Afraid to say who I am. To be who I am. Fear. Deep rooted and constantly speaking the 'truth' as seen from the other side.
I have on my phone wallpaper - "Remember the TRUTH" - it's not always easy to discern - especially when you have these voices in your head. They're not saying you 'can't' ... they're saying you should. I should do it their way. I should feel what they feel. I should do - or be - or dress their way. So it's not that they purposefully degrade me or my dream. It's just that from their perspective - their limited perspective, as who knows WHAT a person really is or is capable of unless you have walked in their shoes - I should be doing or thinking or creating the way THEY would if they were in my shoes. But, they're not IN my shoes. And the fears I deal with daily would mean nothing to them.
Too sensitive. Too emotional. Too passionate. Too much of me, being me. So I constantly rearrange my self to fit the mold they want to pour me into. And then I get angry. And determined. I will not take your pill. I will not bend until I break under the weight of your wherefores and should be's. I will face this fear of your rejection, and decide for myself and pray to the God who calls me by name and clarify with HIM what I should be about. I will walk by faith. Not by fear. I will feel this fear and change the voice from other well-meaning souls to the voice of my Creator. Who thinks I'm awesome. He thinks I'm beautiful - and smart - and loyal - and He loves my tenderness. He loves that I am passionate. He loves me the way he created me to be and he will fight this battle with me, for me.
Perfect love. It casts away fear. It replaces fear. If we let it. Perfect love given from the author of love. It is THIS truth I have to be reminded of. The truth that lets me live free. The truth that consoles me. The truth that will inevitably sustain me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made - in the image of God himself. What have I to fear, when perfect love surrounds me and causes me to be who I truly am.
I'm working from a severe deficit.
I create things from other things.
I don't have enough things.
There are the tools.
The sewing machine is breaking needles.
I can't figure out how to align the needle so it doesn't hit the faceplate.
My knitting? I carry it around with me. And sometimes I'll knit a few rows. I'm slow. And it's most often now, painful. My knitting machine is in NC.
Camera - 4 mega pixel - need I say more?
The automatic shutter wouldn't open and close.
So I snapped it's little plastic wings off. With my tweezers.
I also can't get the date to remain.
You turn off the camera?
You reset the date.
Every. Time. (*Pulls at hair.*)
I finally gave up.
Ok. So I've struggled to make it.
I've struggled to photograph it.
Now I will struggle to publish it.
Downloading and editing and uploading.
Not always easy on a precious old Mac.
iBook G4 - circa. PC - Whatever that means.
People look at me sideways when I try to explain
what I barely understand myself.
What I DO understand? I can't view YouTube videos ON
Facebook. I can go TO YouTube via a separate tab and view it there.
I don't know why.
Facebook says I need the latest Flash. And I KNOW I can't download that.
And having Flash Player or not? Makes a difference on other websites, too.
So bottom line?
It's like trying to run an internet crafting business with one arm tied behind your back.
And I bet there are women and men who do more, with less. But, me? I'm just a wee bit frustrated.
At a loss really as to how to move ahead. I know it takes money to make money. So I'm trying
to gather a few dollars to invest in myself. And as we all know. These days, in particular. are difficult.
I really could use some ideas. I'm always open to new ideas. Tried and failed at many of them! LOL
And today. I'll try again. I guess as long as I keep trying there's always that possibility of making something BIG happen, huh?
Maybe I'll write about exactly what "something big" would look like!